Zane Van Cleave

Zane Van Cleave is a total idiot. He won an award in 3rd grade for being a loser. Now he is a funny guy. He is being a funny guy in order to make enough money to fly into space. The End.

Crime, Crime, and More Crime

Thousands of years ago, in 1998, New York City was ridden with criminals and unsolved crimes. The city was a dark place, inhabited by the scum of the earth. It was so terrible that the US government thought about nuking it, and just building a giant KFC in its place. This would have been awesome. I mean, imagine all the delicious crispy chicken this would have provided. Anyways, by the end of 1998, all crimes were solved, except for one.

The name of the case should remain confidential, but it won’t because I don’t care about exposing fictional case files. The case was known as, “The Case of the Missing Wedding Ring”. Basically some housewife lost her ring and reported it stolen. This crime remained unsolved due to the fact that no one really cared about some stupid, lost wedding ring. But at the end of 1998, someone decided to care, NYC’s “best” detective: Netflix McGrundle.

Netflix McGrundle was an average looking human being. He was tall and had two eyes, two ears, two legs, two arms, two feet, two hands, a torso, a mouth, and a nose. Yes, he was an average looking guy alright, except for that weird mustache that he had. He should have shaved it, but I guess if he did he would of kind of looked like his mom. Anyways, Netflix had been working in law enforcement for about 10 years, and he had solved over one case. He decided to take on the case of the missing wedding ring because his boss told him to.

On December 31st, 1998, Netflix McGrundle sat in his office looking over the missing wedding ring case files. All the files were super boring, so Netflix decided to shred them and take a nap. After his 15 hour power nap, Netflix decided he was going to do something important, so he took another nap. Upon awaking from his second nap, Netflix got a very mediocre idea. But then he forgot it so he decided to go for a walk.

About ten minutes into his walk, Netflix started to get tired because he was an out of shape loser due to his high consumption of delicious KFC chicken. Since he was being a huge baby, and couldn’t walk any farther, he decided to enter the nearest store he could find. It turned out that the nearest store he could find was 60 miles away, so it only took him 15 minutes to walk there. When Netflix finally arrived at the store, he couldn’t believe his eyes. And then he immediately believed them because they saw exactly what he saw: a wedding ring. Upon further investigation, Netflix realized he was in a store. A store full of rings, diamonds, and jewelry. Like a store where you can buy jewelry. Like a store of jewelry.

"I have found the wedding ring and a lot of other rings!" said Netflix, "Another case closed!". Except Netflix never actually closed the case, because he never found the real ring. That fucking idiot thought some random ring in a jewelry store was the stolen ring! Fuck this. I’m not getting paid nearly enough to write this shit. I’m going to get some KFC.

RIP Mitch.

WOW! Check out my first tweet ever!

WOW! Check out my first tweet ever!

Top Ten Space Myths

10.  The Moon Is Made Of Cheese.

 For many moons, scientists and archeologists believed that the moon was made of, you guessed it: Cheese. This theory lasted until about 1969, when the USA decided to fake the moon landing. I guess this really isn’t a myth since we never actually went to the moon. Actually, yeah the moon is probably cheese. But what kind of cheese? Hopefully not that fake ass squirt cheese. That shit is gross.

9. If You Wish Upon A Star, Your Dreams Will Come True.

Ever since Walt Disney decided he was big shot and made a ton of dumb cartoon movies, people have believed that wishing upon a star will make all their wildest dreams come true. This theory is bullshit, because I asked a shooting star to give me cotton candy hands and it never happened. Now I just sit in my basement covering my entire body in cotton candy wishing I was a real cotton candy boy.

8. The Big Bang Theory Never Happened

Ok, if you believe his one, you are probably a little baby sitting on yo mommas lap. I have to admit though, I used to go to religion and I thought that the Big Bang Theory was just a shamwow. One day I was watching TV, and  I discovered the inconvenient truth. The Big Bang Theory is real, and is a critically acclaimed TV show. According to the internet, this show was created by some schmuck and premiered on CBS on September 11th, 2001. Wait no, it premiered on September 24, 2007. Sorry I always get my 9/11’s mixed up with my 9/24’s.

7. Uranus Was Named After “Cumm N. Uranus”.

A lot, and I mean A LOT, of people think that this theory is 100% fact. Uranus was not actually named after the popular scientist “Cumm N. Uranus”. It was actually named after YOUR ANUS. hahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhaa! Get it?

6. The Movie “Gravity” Was Good.

Sure the critics loved this scientology movie and it won a bunch of Hollywood trophies, but I still think it was a bunch swaglewash. I saw this movie in theaters, and I actually ended up walking out before the previews for the other movies were even over. I saw a preview for another Tyler Perry movie and immediately stormed out. How could I sit through some no name movie knowing that there was going to be another Tyler Perry movie? Tyler Perry is the best film dictator in Hollywood. His movies are way better than a bunch of space goofs messing around on some space boat.

5. Black Holes Are Dangerous.

One common misconception about black holes, is that they are very dangerous. In actuality, we don’t know nearly enough about black holes to make the assumption that they are 100% dangerous. I, personally, think we should dive deeper into black holes. I love to have the chance to be inside of a black hole, just so see what it feels like. It would be so cool to be able to thrust my shuttle in and out of a black hole!

4. Space is Infinite.

So a lot of you bozos think space goes on forever huh? Well guess what? I’ve read a few pages of the Bible and bathed my church’s priest so I can prove space isn’t infinite. If space went on forever, where would the heavenly father live? Yea, there has to be a place where the almighty Trix Bunny is living. Where do you think your delicious breakfast cereal comes from? Now go play with your build-a-bears you punks.

3. Stars Are Exploding Balls Of Gas.

While in school, most of you were probably taught that stars are actually just exploding balls of gas (unless you were home schooled, then you probably were taught that stars are the devil). Anyways, stars are NOT actually exploding balls of gas. So, what are stars exactly? Well, shortly after Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, the government created a giant light bulb cannon. Having no actual use for the light bulb cannon, the government decided to just point it at the sky and fire light bulbs up into space. Yes, that’s right, stars are actually just a bunch of giant light bulbs.

2. We Are Not Alone In The Universe.

At some point in history, people decided that there are a bunch of ugly puke colored creatures just hanging out in outer space. But you know what? There’s no such thing as aliens. We are alone in the universe. Very alone. Especially you. Why are you reading this sad top ten list? Because you are completely alone. Call me when you meet someone.

1. Elvis Presley Is Dead.

This is, by far, the most controversial outer space myth on this list. The majority of people these days believe Elvis Presley died back in 1977. Well folks, I have proof, that Elvis is in fact, still alive. You see, I actually went to kindergarten with Elvis Presley, back in ‘99. He was a pretty cool dude, the kind of dude that could make you squirt milk out uranus. We used to play with legos and his dad’s alcohol stash every day. We were some cool cats. But yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s still alive and is currently living with his life partner Gerald

 This is the end of the list. Kind of funny that you read to the end. That was a solid 10-15 minutes of your life that you will never get back. #ThinkAboutIt #NeverForget #RIPCheifLenard.

here is my review of the restaurant “Mac Donald’s” in Compton, CA.

here is my review of the restaurant “Mac Donald’s” in Compton, CA.

this is a video I made when I was a baby.